Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I've been debating whether I should post about this or not but it just weighs so heavy on me sometimes I feel it might help to get it out there.
I'm 33 yrs. old and I still feel an enormous amount of low self esteem that all stems from something that happened 24 yrs. ago. Well that and my more bitter than sweet school days. Why do I hang on to these things? Why can I not get past this inferiority complex?
I've gotta be honest with myself. I do have feelings sometimes when I am around others that I am truly not good enough to be there or that it would really not make a difference to anyone if I am or not.
I've talked here before about my childhood illness and how it shook me, so why can't I shake these feelings now 24 yrs. later. Well how do you know it stems from that? Oh because I was the absolute complete opposite. Seriously I could not have been a more confident, self assured, outgoing child. So why the big change? (and I'm aware it's not all bad but what I'm talking about is) So many people have had greater challenges, unspeakable things happen to them, to overcome and I am constantly amazed and inspired at how they do it. So why do I have such a problem with this? And it just makes me feel ungrateful and worse. It's a vicious cycle I tell ya!
I'm really not this down most of the time but I gotta be honest with myself. This does hang over me and I'm not sure what to do about it. How can feelings be so contradictory because don't get me wrong I'm not all about low self esteem. I do have a side that's confident that I have a lot to offer and I'm just as much worth knowing than the next person. But as for the darkside, I hate it and I need to find a way to get rid of it.
I'm still not sure if I should publish this but then again I've been saying that with my whole blog and it's always been a positive experience.