Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Story

Thankyou toMama Katfor putting up this great prompt that allows me to share my story.

I'm also linking up with Shell for PYHO. Growing up I always felt somewhat ashamed of what happened to me. Obviously getting sick is noone's fault so it really does not make sense yet it is one of those irrational human emotions. Each time I share my story I think it makes me a little more confident in what happened and really be able to grow more from it.

I turned 9 at the beginning of Dec. and a couple days after Christmas my life changed forever. I collapsed, I went into convulsions, I went to the ER, I had spinal taps, I had Cat Scans, I had blood tests, I had lost almost every physical function of my body, they couldn't find anything was wrong with me. My mom begged to differ, she even brought in pictures of me to prove I used to be "normal". So….three different rooms, hours and hours of physical and occupational therapy, so much love and support, many great memories, 2 different hospitals and six months later I'm home. I get sick, I had therapy, I come home…..over right? WRONG. This is only the beginning. I still had a couple months of outpatient therapy, a few MRI's to go to and seeing a neurologist now and then and doing retarded tests that I absolutely loooooooaaaathed!!

But guess what? Years later I got to go on Oprah!

Oprah: Many times loved ones of loved ones (ya she speaks like this) turn inside and don't know how to deal with illness. How did your family react?

Me: I had the most supportive family in the world at that time in my life. My Mother, who was my absolute hero, did so much for me I can never truly thank her. Between work and home and taking care of my brother and sister she would come to the hospital 2 or 3 times a day to read to me; she would spend hours feeding me with an eyedropper, loving me and fighting for me when noone else would. I can't imagine what she went through. My dad who is somewhat one of those people you spoke of, would try to visit me almost every evening. Ofcourse he came afterhours when all the lights were off and each night I would wait behind the nurses desk (they all loved me) and watch that elevator intently. When it binged and my Dad walked out oh how my 9 year old face lit up. He would take me in my wheelchair down to the cafeteria where I would have my Doritos and then he would take me back to my room and tuck me in with those so wonderfully clean hospital sheets and blankets that I've come to love the smell of. Other family members would also visit me often. Having pizza at naptime with my aunt was one of my favorite times also. I have many other great memories of the support I received but I'll……

Oprah: (interrupting)….You talk a lot

Me: I know right?

Oprah: So how did your peers react? Were you held a year behind because you had missed 6 months?

Me: Because I was so young elementary school was still pretty good as far as the students being nice and accepting to me. All my insecurities came from myself. It wasn't until junior and high school that I received ignorant comments that were hurtful to me.
My very wise mom decided that it would not be a good idea to have me and my brother in the same grade so she chose not to hold me back which I think was probably the best thing. Before my illness my IQ was extremely high and although it did drop quite a bit right after it did come back, not quite to that level.

Oprah: How has your illness affected your life?

Me: Although at the time it seemed to have many negative effects in my life once I matured a little and saw things different I now can say it was one of the best things for my life. I am truly a better person. I think I have more compassion for other people that I might not have had. I was angry because there were so many physical things that I used to do that I could no longer do (well not nearly as well) but I think those things were replaced by qualities of character that are much more important.

Oprah: So do you believe your recovery was a miracle?

Me: I absolutely do and get this…even some of the doctors called me a miracle. There is just no way I could have recovered the way I did without a miracle. And that miracle had to have come from God.

Oprah: How has this experience helped your faith?

Me: Well before I don't think I ever really thought of faith. I mean I went to church and went through all the motions but I never felt anything.
It wasn't until I was about 19 that I think I truly started seeing this as a miracle and seeing how God directs our lives. There are times, especially right now when life kinda sucks, that I kinda wonder why He kept me around but I do believe that's what happened and I do believe there must be a reason. I just I find it soon. If I'm really diggin' deep I can admit to finding some of that reason but my insecure, low self esteem, doubting self doesn't like me to admit that. Workin' on that :)

(In case you're kinda slow like me I really wasn't on Oprah…that was just the prompt :))

This is a poem that I wrote in College many eons ago. I hope I have grown since then. :)


My life was stolen
Never given back
The way it used to be
Is it for the best?
Do I matter?
Will I matter?
I'm lost
Fear surrounds me
made up in my head
I don't care
Why should they?
Questions of doubt
Questions of pity
Will I stop
Who can answer?
No one knows
But me and Him
Is He there?
Is He listening?
Sometimes I wonder
I won't stop trying
I will fight
You may join
I welcome Thee
My heart is open
Set it free

(ya I never said I was a writer :))

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mommy and Me Monday and Day 8 of Day of Truth

I hope I'm not breaking any rules here or anything but I thought it'd be kinda nice to review some mommy and me moments with the babes in the past. They grow up so fast and what mom doesn't love to go back and look at pictures of her babes! :)

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious?
Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

Don't you wonder what goes through babies minds sometimes. They have these intense looks sometimes like they're trying to read you or something. "So you're my mommy"

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

Well I would say crap is a little strong but I do wish my Dad had (did) treated me a bit better. Not that he doesn't love me to death and I love him, he just didn't make very good decisions. When I was 4 my Dad cheated on my mom and then made her get a divorce because he had no grounds (back then getting a divorce actually meant something). On his turns to take us he would often take us to his girlfriends and make us stay up for hours when we were tired and just wanted to go home. I remember one time I got really really sick and wanted my mom and he wouldn't even take me home! Hello your child wants their mom and is 6 yrs. old get off your butt say goodbye to your skanky girlfriend and do what's best for your child for once!!! Ofcourse all this was unbeknownst to my mom and she had to find out from her 10 yr. old daughter. Anyways all growing up I really wish I had had a better relationship with my dad. I could never really talk to him and he missed so much of our growing up. We have an ok relationship today (ofcourse he would say its the best) but it will never be the daddy-daughter relationship that all daughters deserve.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 7 of Day of Truth

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Definately my three little angels.

Right now life pretty much sucks (ya for a priveleged life living in America), but it does. My three little angels are the lights in my darkness and without them I wouldn't wanna get outta bed some mornings. Without them I might just lay in bed and cry all day. But with them I can find some happiness. I can find joy in their joy. I watch them play and my heart is full.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 6 of Day of Truth

It's Day 6 of the Day of Truth challenge with Angel Believes

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do

It seems to be a common thread with mothers that their worst nightmare would be one of theit kids passing before they do. The other night I watched a true show about a mother's struggle with her son's epilepsy. My heart broke for her. Anything that hurts or upsets your child is a dagger to the heart. How helpless I feel when my child has the flu or something and there's nothing you can do. If I could I would take away any pain or hurt that my child would feel. I can't even imagine the heartache of losing your child.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mommy and Me Monday and Day 5 of Day of Truth

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious?
Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

My little man started 1st grade today. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Don't know if I should rejoice in the semi quiet time with only two little girls or I should cry and feel guilty for all the mornings I could have done more "fun" activities with him. Right now I'm leaning more towards the latter but hopefully that will change to the former. :)

That was then...

This is now...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

I joined my church when I was 19 years old so I never really thought much about serving a mission because women usually go when they are 21. By that time though I was involved with Danny. I got married at 22 but I always wondered what it would be like and I kinda wished I had had that experience. So one of my goals, OUR goals, is to serve a mission together later in life.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Day 4 of Day of Truth-Forgiveness

It's Day 4 of the Day of Truth challenge with Angel Believes

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

3 years ago my husband became addicted to a prescription drug. Because of this he became very mentally ill and his behaviour was beyond abnormal. It is a very long story but he did many hurtful things to me and many others (not on purpose....he was sick) but still the hurt and anger lingers and it is a struggle for me to truly forgive. It is easy enough to say, oh ofcourse I do he's my husband I love him, but when I'm alone and really think deep down I don't know if I completely have forgiven.

Is that awful??

Day 3 of Day of Truth

It's Day 3 of the Day of Truth Challenge with Angel Believes.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I really can't seem to get over this mommy guilt thing. I yell to much. I don't do enough crafts. I don't read enough. Oh no I should be teaching my children to read, good grief my kid is 6 and doesn't know how to read yet! My kids deserve the world and I fall so very short. But then again I AM the mom they got. I guess somehow I need to get over it and learn to forgive myself for not being a super mom!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

30 Days of Truth-Love

It's Day 2 (for me) or 30 days of Truth with Angel Believes and the question is:

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love the fact that I am very sincere. Sincere to the point of easily getting hurt by others sincerity. I guess I'm just not jaded enough from this hard world. I'm just an anti-guile type of person. Don't go for it! It's nasty stuff.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Mommy and Me Monday and a New Challenge!

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious?
Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

My kids and I have spend quite a bit of time in our backyard this summer. Just playing on our playset and the patio and blowing up the pool. The other week I took the camera out and ofcourse my son wanted to take pictures too! This is one he took.

I've been seeing this 30 Days of truth Challenge by
Angel Believes pop up on blogs and thought it looked very interesting. The questions are quite thought provoking and can bring you back into your past. I'm not sure if I can get through it as some of the questions are kinda tough and I don't have a lot of experience with them but I'm gonna give it a shot! I recommend anyone trying it! :)

First question:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Well this ones a little easier than it should be but then again we are our own worst critic (I hate cliches) I would have to say the fact that I'm so shy and introverted and not the real me with people. I have a good friend back home that I can totally be myself with: crack jokes, be a goof, cry my eyes out... and she still loves me and even thinks I'm funny?? Deep down I know that other people would too or at least not be mean or anything and keep their thoughts of "what a geek" or "how pathetic" to themselves. I know why I have such low self esteem because I didn't always I just wish I could make it go away.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Boys and Cars

This week on of the promps from Mama Kat's Workshop was the first date you went in a boy's car. Now I'm not sure this qualifies as a dat although I'm sure it did in his eyes. :)

I had been going to my church's single functions and stuff for a while and never even seen this guy once. I see him once and suddenly he sniffs me out like everytime!! Being the nice person I am I talk to him and smile my lovely smile all nicey nicey (even though he's not really the kind of guy I'd hang out with). So we talk and talk and has a few issues in his life that I, being the nice person I am, try to help him deal with. We meet at chuch. We meet in his car. We talk.

At the time I was going to a religious institute like all day everyday and I musta mentioned it because one day he shows up!!! No more sleeping in the library in the morning for me! Ya he just shows up!!! Comes to my classes with me. Hangs on my every breath. Seriously I cough, I sneeze, I sigh, I blink; he looks at me like "Oh my gosh what's wrong, is she ok, do I need to do mouth to mouth?" Dude don't you work or something??

So me, being the nice person I am, indulges him and we play pool and pingpong and have more deep convos and he takes me out for lunch in his totally awesome jeep. His family like owns a theatre so I guess he has tons of money and doesn't really do anything all day. I mean what was he doing before he started stalking me?? Really though he wasn't the creepy stalker type more the "I'm gettin' older and wanna get married" desperate type. Unfortunately he wasn't the only "I'm gettin' older and wanna get married" desperate type the was attracted to me. What's the deal?

Anyhoo, after a while of this I'm gettin' kinda ticked at this guy encroaching on my special "me" time at the institute. But me, being the nice person I am, puts on a happy face and sucks it up. Finally I've had enough. This is the night at the singles dance. After about the 6th dance with this guy, holding his sweaty hands and enduring his awkward smiles and fake laughs at whatever I say, I've had enough. I pull him aside and say we have to talk. Me, being the nice person I am, can not just say the obvious; "You're suffocating me with your desperateness and awkwardness and I just can't take it anymore!!!" but sugarcoates everything and tries to let him down easy but unfortunately it is difficult because this guy does NOT take a hint! (and believe me I tried)

So the conversation went something like this:

Me: P we gotta talk

P: Anything for you darling (awkward giggle)

Me: You're kinda sorta imposing on my personal space and freedom and it needs to end

P: What???

Me: I'm just not worthy of you're undivided attention and devotion and think we need to end it

P: But I love you so much! I just love you so much!

Me: You'll get over it and find someone who has the same (clingy, desperate) loving qualities as you do.

P: O *sniff* K *sniff* I love you! Bye

Me: Boy that was hard. At least I can have my sleeping in the library back.

He sure had a nice car though!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Mommy and me Monday and a lovely tatoo

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious?
Hosted by Krystyn at Really, Are You Serious?

Yesterday after church I was lying down on the couch while Ethan played with his tinkertoys and as often happens Aria came and lied down with me. Ofcourse I had to get Danny to snap a picture. :)

Yesterday was also our 10th anniversary. Sat. afternoon I was just half sitting half laying on the bed and suddenly I felt this writing on my legs. I looked and this is what I saw:

Pretty cool! That'd be a dang cool tatoo (if I was into that sorta thing :))