Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Do the Green Thang!

I'm certainly not a tree hugger by any sense of the word. I do respect the environment though. I don't litter. I don't hug trees but I don't throw stones at them either. I try to keep my flatulance to a minimum.
I was over at Think Tank Momma's page and she had this great idea to reduce our carbon footprint. Just go to this site (if anyone knows how to do the link thing and I know you all do please let me know, help a girl out) and grab a "my blog is carbon neutral" button and they'll plant a tree for you! How cool is that!
I may not recycle, reuse, all that good stuff, as much as I should cause I'm lazy. I may eat fast food and processed food too much cause it's convient but.......but there is no excuse for not simply grabbing a button, implementing the magical copy and paste funtion and voila! having a tree grow in your honor :)

co2 neutral shopping and coupons with

Ok I'm new at this meme thing and I think this one that Shell from Things I can't say (amazing blog!) is a brilliant one and a good place to start. I was drawn into it when I saw it a couple weeks ago. This is something I need so much so thankyou Shell.
After reading so many of the brilliant posts on pour your heart out I admit I'm pretty intimidated. Thanks to everyone for sharing!

My mom is always telling me how strong I am. Strong for overcoming a terrible, debilitating illness when I was young, Strong for going away from home to college, Strong for moving to another country to get married, Strong for having my kids by myself with the help of no family or friends, Strong for staying with my husband through a very difficult time, and Strong for just dealing with all the crap in life while taking care of three children and having no family or friends to help. Ok I don't mean to sound all poor me. It's just so hard. I feel so lonely sometimes and it just sucks! Cause you know what? I. don't. feel strong! I don't feel very strong when I yell at my kids or even when I supress my urge to yell but feel all the frustration and anger inside, I don't feel very strong when I'm crying everynight because I feel like a horrible mother, I don't feel very strong that I can't seem to try harder with my husband to work on our relationship because of my selfish feelings, I don't feel very strong when I'm sitting at a church activity putting on a positive facade which I so often do.
How are you?
Oh I'm good. (bullcrap!)
Why can't people just open up and actually be themselves. We all feel so many of the same emotions and yet we tend to think we are the only one that feels that way. Why are people so closed? So guarded? Look at stress, no anxiety, no emotional baggage.....wouldn't that be great? All Moms feel guilt (if you don't then that's just weird) All moms judge (even if it is only yourself) All Moms cry when their kids hurt, go to school, get bullied/are bullied, a zillion different things (again if you don't that's just weird) All marriages have struggles (oh don't tell me you don't) Point is people really have so much in comman and we should try to build on that commanlity and come together instead of the many opposites that are so prevalent today. (don't get me started) That's why I just love this bloggy world and think it's great. You can be yourself and open up and people will accept you and not judge (except for the losers and meanies) because that is what is really in most people's heart not that hard, uncaring exterior that is all to prevalent in society.
Ya who am I to talk. I wish I had more courage to be myself and let people know how I really feel. But then I might be seen as the needy girl, the one who's always unhappy and noone wants that. So I guess I'll just have to put on my smiley face because people don't like negative stuff right? And people just don't do that right? I mean it's not proper to say life sucks right now thankyou when someone ask how you are.
I may be strong in some areas but that certainly doesn't mean I don't need people. I don't have any family here or friends I can talk to and I need people. I'm not ashamed to admit it....I Need people. Husbands are fantastic and thank goodness for them but I think every woman knows that even the most sensitive, romantic, helpful man still doesn't truly "get it" like a woman or another mother does.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Second and third and fourth guessing

All my life I have completely second guessed about 83.2% of the decisions I have made. I just put this blog up and I am totally second second guessing it. I have so many fears about putting my heart out there that I have built up so many walls of insecurity. So many what ifs?
Well dangit Tylaine, you're not 19's time to grow up. I don't wanna live my life like this. I've wasted too much time. I guess it's just time to take a leap of faith and what have I got to lose anyway? That's the beauty of can hide behind this massive thing called the can put your heart out there and not worry about someone literally laughing at you (although they may be on the other end but you'll never know). 'Sides right now I feel like I need to for my sanity for two main reasons:
1. It's cathartic to be able to write down your feelings and pour all that negativity or anger or fear or whatever out. (especially when there's no other outlet)
2. A shrink is just too expensive!

Recently I read two great posts about mommy guilt and judging other moms. (And if I knew how to do the link thing I could link them) While I was reading the one about mommy guilt I was like wow how'd you get in my head? Seriously I think the mommy guilt is something many moms feel and just let it fill you till you think you're gonna explode (or maybe that's just me) And then there's the judging thing. Don't tell me you've never done it cause you're lying. Even if you are Ms. Sunshine and really don't judge other moms you judge yourself. We are are hardest critics so why do we add more to others? Isn't it enough to have one judge? Moms out there.....we really all have more in common than you think

Here goes...

Ok well I've really been toying a while with the idea to start a mommy blog. I have a blog with all kinds of cutsie pictures of my kids and stuff but I kinda wanted a place just for me. I have so much welling inside me and really not much of an outlet to let it out.
Emotional Constipation = No Fun!!!!
Thankyou to all the wonderful mommy bloggers out there who have given me the courage to start this blog. I have been cowardly skulking around for awhile reading a few of these wonderful blogs (ya just a few I'm sure there's a bazillion more brilliant blogs out there) Love to all you great fantastic mommy's!!!!!
My intent is not to have any followers (although that would be a nice little notch for my incredibly low self esteem) but to just be able to have a place for me where I can let out my emotional baggage, insecurities, hopes/fears, whineiness, selfishness, whateva!!! which is so hard sometimes being a mom.
I'm certainly not computer savvy at all so my blog is pretty plain and I have no idea how all these fab blogs come to be. I don't even know how to do a link! Living in blog world is incredibly overwhelming and I'm really just swimmin here. At least I have a computer geek for a husband. So there's hope for a facelift. It's a work in progress.
Well here goes nothin!!! Hello blogland. This is Just Me.