Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Ok I'm new at this meme thing and I think this one that Shell from Things I can't say (amazing blog!) is a brilliant one and a good place to start. I was drawn into it when I saw it a couple weeks ago. This is something I need so much so thankyou Shell.
After reading so many of the brilliant posts on pour your heart out I admit I'm pretty intimidated. Thanks to everyone for sharing!
My mom is always telling me how strong I am. Strong for overcoming a terrible, debilitating illness when I was young, Strong for going away from home to college, Strong for moving to another country to get married, Strong for having my kids by myself with the help of no family or friends, Strong for staying with my husband through a very difficult time, and Strong for just dealing with all the crap in life while taking care of three children and having no family or friends to help. Ok I don't mean to sound all poor me. It's just so hard. I feel so lonely sometimes and it just sucks! Cause you know what? I. don't. feel strong! I don't feel very strong when I yell at my kids or even when I supress my urge to yell but feel all the frustration and anger inside, I don't feel very strong when I'm crying everynight because I feel like a horrible mother, I don't feel very strong that I can't seem to try harder with my husband to work on our relationship because of my selfish feelings, I don't feel very strong when I'm sitting at a church activity putting on a positive facade which I so often do.
How are you?
Oh I'm good. (bullcrap!)
Why can't people just open up and actually be themselves. We all feel so many of the same emotions and yet we tend to think we are the only one that feels that way. Why are people so closed? So guarded? Look at children.....no stress, no anxiety, no emotional baggage.....wouldn't that be great? All Moms feel guilt (if you don't then that's just weird) All moms judge (even if it is only yourself) All Moms cry when their kids hurt, go to school, get bullied/are bullied, a zillion different things (again if you don't that's just weird) All marriages have struggles (oh don't tell me you don't) Point is people really have so much in comman and we should try to build on that commanlity and come together instead of the many opposites that are so prevalent today. (don't get me started) That's why I just love this bloggy world and think it's great. You can be yourself and open up and people will accept you and not judge (except for the losers and meanies) because that is what is really in most people's heart not that hard, uncaring exterior that is all to prevalent in society.
Ya who am I to talk. I wish I had more courage to be myself and let people know how I really feel. But then I might be seen as the needy girl, the one who's always unhappy and noone wants that. So I guess I'll just have to put on my smiley face because people don't like negative stuff right? And people just don't do that right? I mean it's not proper to say life sucks right now thankyou when someone ask how you are.
I may be strong in some areas but that certainly doesn't mean I don't need people. I don't have any family here or friends I can talk to and I need people. I'm not ashamed to admit it....I Need people. Husbands are fantastic and thank goodness for them but I think every woman knows that even the most sensitive, romantic, helpful man still doesn't truly "get it" like a woman or another mother does.