I've been debating whether I should post about this or not but it just weighs so heavy on me sometimes I feel it might help to get it out there.
I'm 33 yrs. old and I still feel an enormous amount of low self esteem that all stems from something that happened 24 yrs. ago. Well that and my more bitter than sweet school days. Why do I hang on to these things? Why can I not get past this inferiority complex?
I've gotta be honest with myself. I do have feelings sometimes when I am around others that I am truly not good enough to be there or that it would really not make a difference to anyone if I am or not.
I've talked here before about my childhood illness and how it shook me, so why can't I shake these feelings now 24 yrs. later. Well how do you know it stems from that? Oh because I was the absolute complete opposite. Seriously I could not have been a more confident, self assured, outgoing child. So why the big change? (and I'm aware it's not all bad but what I'm talking about is) So many people have had greater challenges, unspeakable things happen to them, to overcome and I am constantly amazed and inspired at how they do it. So why do I have such a problem with this? And it just makes me feel ungrateful and worse. It's a vicious cycle I tell ya!
I'm really not this down most of the time but I gotta be honest with myself. This does hang over me and I'm not sure what to do about it. How can feelings be so contradictory because don't get me wrong I'm not all about low self esteem. I do have a side that's confident that I have a lot to offer and I'm just as much worth knowing than the next person. But as for the darkside, I hate it and I need to find a way to get rid of it.
I'm still not sure if I should publish this but then again I've been saying that with my whole blog and it's always been a positive experience.
I hope that you can find a way to let go of the past or make peace with it and get back to the confident person that you were.
ReplyDeleteOh Tylaine. You sell yourself so short. You are an amazing girl and I am so happy to call you my friend. You are supportive and caring. You bring a light to our gatherings that no one else can. You really are a sweet and loving spirit. I have never met anyone as genuine as you. I wish I could be more that way. I completely understand your feelings though. I have suffered from low self esteem/not feeling good enough too and it sucks. While I feel I am doing much better, it is still there at times.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want you to know that yes, if you weren't at one of our get togethers, it would make a difference. You would be missed. xoxo
Sometimes coming to grips with who you have become is an excellent place to start dropping off those heavy burdens from the past.
ReplyDeleteWhen I fully embraced the fact that God wanted me to be "The Mom", I was less anxious, less self-conscious and more at ease with who I had become.
Praying and believing that God has a plan for all these doubts and He is in control.
Regardless of what it stems from, first and foremost, some of those feelings are NORMAL. I think we all go through that from time to time. I tend to be like you where I have moments of confidence, but more often than not, I feel worthless and like I am nothing to anyone. I takes me stepping back and realizing that the majority of those feelings come because I am listening to and believing Satan's lies. Have you ever heard the Caedomon's Call song Mirror? If not, look it up and check it out. Too often it "mirrors" my own feelings. Praying for you and understanding what you are feeling!
ReplyDeleteSorry-it's actually called Piece of Glass.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxHp9C_kHhA
I think I fixed the email thing! :-) I didn't have it showing on my personal account (i.e. the one I don't blog under). Should be working now though!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone has self doubt days. It's just finding away through them.
ReplyDeleteWe all don't have to be 100% all the time.
Thanks for "pouring your heart out." And thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI feel that way too. I look at my friends and I wonder WHY they're my friends. I'm not as pretty, skinny, smart as them. Most of them are better moms than me. They're all more organized than me, funnier than me. You name it, I'm sure they're better at it than me. I'm constantly 2nd guessing everything I say and do. I've ALWAYS been this way. I wish I could change it, but I don't know how.
I have issues with self esteem that I have had for years but as I've gotten older and more mature things have changed. What has made it easier was realizing that the girls that I admired and thought they had it "all together" were not perfect either. They have issues too and I only know that now because I'm friends with them. We all have self conscience issues and think we're the only one.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman and I'm so glad to have met you through blogging. I let go of my "demons" and you can too. The more you pour out those feelings, the quicker you can release those demons. ((hugs))
Thanks for your sweet words on my blog. Marriage is tough, for sure, but worth the effort!
ReplyDeleteI was just reading this post, and I feel I can relate. I don't know your circumstances, or what your childhood illness was, but when I was a kid I suffered from (and still do sometimes) an auto-immune disease called alopecia areata which made me lose all my hair. Doesn't sound like THAT big of deal, but kids were mean and as an elementary - junior high age kid, acceptance is everything. Anyway, my self esteem was SO low then and it has followed me through until today, too.
All that to say, I'm sorry that you have this hanging over your head. It's rough. It seeps into every part of your life! I think it takes choosing each day to believe that it isn't other people who determine your worth or beauty. It isn't our glamorous culture that can decide that, either. It's God, who created you just as you are and sees your beauty in it's purest form.
Thanks for sharing this. It's always good to know you're not alone!
I'm back today, and yours is the 1sr blog I looked up' Don't ever think you wouldn't be missed.
ReplyDeleteIt's really tough, isn't it? This learning to think of ourselves as loveable and worthy regardless of where we've been or where we're going in life? And then, on top of everything, we start feeling bad for feeling bad. I had a long talk with 3 of my girlfriends on this very subject over the weekend. Know that you aren't alone. I'm trying to find a way to blog about this very subject also. Hang in there! You are a loveable and worthy woman!
ReplyDeleteGirl, thank you for being honest. You are not crazy you are NORMAL. We all have felt this way. Keep focused on now and leave the past--in the past.
ReplyDelete