Feelings

I've been debating whether I should post about this or not but it just weighs so heavy on me sometimes I feel it might help to get it out there.

I'm 33 yrs. old and I still feel an enormous amount of low self esteem that all stems from something that happened 24 yrs. ago. Well that and my more bitter than sweet school days. Why do I hang on to these things? Why can I not get past this inferiority complex?
I've gotta be honest with myself. I do have feelings sometimes when I am around others that I am truly not good enough to be there or that it would really not make a difference to anyone if I am or not.

I've talked here before about my childhood illness and how it shook me, so why can't I shake these feelings now 24 yrs. later. Well how do you know it stems from that? Oh because I was the absolute complete opposite. Seriously I could not have been a more confident, self assured, outgoing child. So why the big change? (and I'm aware it's not all bad but what I'm talking about is) So many people have had greater challenges, unspeakable things happen to them, to overcome and I am constantly amazed and inspired at how they do it. So why do I have such a problem with this? And it just makes me feel ungrateful and worse. It's a vicious cycle I tell ya!

I'm really not this down most of the time but I gotta be honest with myself. This does hang over me and I'm not sure what to do about it. How can feelings be so contradictory because don't get me wrong I'm not all about low self esteem. I do have a side that's confident that I have a lot to offer and I'm just as much worth knowing than the next person. But as for the darkside, I hate it and I need to find a way to get rid of it.

I'm still not sure if I should publish this but then again I've been saying that with my whole blog and it's always been a positive experience.

A day late and more than a dollar short

Merry late Christmas!!! Hope that everyone had a wonderful and very blessed Christmas. Here's hoping that this New Year's will be fantastic and that God's blessing will shine upon you throughout this coming year.






Tip: In order to get a 2 yr. old to sit for a picture, bribe with candy.

Ok get this...I've been married for ten years and have never done my own turkey or made my own stuffing. With only two people and then even with little kids that eat next to nothing on Christmas because they fill up with goodies who wants to make a huge turkey. Well now that the kids are a little older and eat still next to nothing I decided this was the year. So friday I prepared my mashed potatoes and yams (you know to lighten the load a bit on Christmas) and then came the big turkey day! Oh it turned out wonderful, so moist and tasty. I look so forward to turkey leftovers. Yum! Anyways after our meal (I was too lazy to clean up right away) we had a nice fire, or so we thought. Danny started the fire, went out to the garage to get more fuel, and the ghost that hates Christmas and wants to make everyone miserable closed our flue! Oh the smoke! Oh the soot! All my wonderful cooking, all the blankets, all the sheets!! Good thing it was only 6:30 so I had time to wash all our bedding. NEVER EVER having a fire in our ancient fireplace again!!!! Hence no yummy leftovers for me :(

Would you just give up on a million dollars?

Ok I know I said I wasn't gonna post till the New Year but I was talking to my husband about this book we read and I had these thoughts and wanted to share them.
The book we were talking about is Sarah's Song by Karen Kingsbury. It is a short little easy read for Christmas. A story about an elderly woman who has a story to share through her 12 days of Christmas countdown. She prays for someone to share the story with and it turns out to be on of the aides that works at her care center who is also on the brink of divorce.

If you had a job that you could do but had to work really really hard at and were told at the end of a year you would make a million dollars....would you just give up after a week of trying because it was too hard???? I sure wouldn't and I don't think I know anyone who would either.

So why are so many people so willing to just give up on their marriage and family for worldly, superficial reasons?? Yes a marriage lasts a lot longer than a year but the reward is also much much MUCH greater than a million dollars.

Too much else to say.
--I'm verklempt--
"talk amongst youselves"

Gratitude

To my two faithful readers,

Please do not stop reading me even though I've taken a hiatus from blogland and probably will not return until after the New year. Things are a little touch right now (can't complain too much though because I know a lot are in far worse situations with this economy). Danny still hasn't found a job and his unemployment ended about a month ago so things are really tight. He does have a couple of good looking prospects though which we're hopeful about. Anyways on to the gratitude...

This Christmas and holiday season could be a lot worse for us but we are so very blessed to have many angels among us. First of all my dear mom who has sacrificed and given us so much. Second our beloved bishop who is so kind to us and helped us so much. And thirdly to a wonderful elderly couple who gave us money for the kids Christmas. And ofcourse there are other angels who have helped us so much in the past. We are so blessed and I am so humbled by all we've received. I am so thankeful for all the wonderful, positive people in my life that help to lift me up when I am down and inspire me when I am uninspired. I am so thankeful that I have the three most beautiful, perfect, healthy kids on the earth and a husband who is a wonderful man who continues to become better all the time. I am thankeful that I live in this great country that allows me the freedom to worship my Beloved Savior without persecution. I am thankeful I can go to bed each night in a warm bed with a full stomach. The list could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point ;)

At the Christmas season I hope we can all have, as the beloved President of my church says, an "Attitude of Gratitude".

I have missed blogging and the friendships there and the closeness of other women who "get" it. I hope I can come back in the New year with some more positive feelings to reflect on my blog. Love to all!

Hunger Games??

Ok am I the only person that found the Hunger Games deeply disturbing?? With all the popularity of the book I thought...well I guess I'll give it a try.....don't think I'll be reading the other two though. Actually read is an incorrect word....I skimmed it cause I couldn't even read it all but unfortunately the morbidity of it peeked my carnal curiosity.
I mean even though there may be some interesting dialogue and interactions between characters does not erase the fact that the premise of the book is teenagers killing teenagers!! I'm sorry I don't care how interesting the characters are and other things, I can't get past the fact that basically the story emerges from this heinous ritual of teen slaughter??
---Am I overreacting?--

Mummy Dogs

(about the most creative I get at Halloween :))

Acceptance

First of all....thankyou so much to everyone who did that little favor for me. I was really surprised at the willingness of people to do something so nice for me. Thankyou.

Last night a group of us Utah Bloggers had our second (hopefully often) GNO. It was awesome! First of all we had potato martinis which rocked!!! Potatoes in a martini glass (boy I felt classay!) We had a few "new" girls come that didn't make it to the first one and man.....who knew Utah women could be so awesome!! I guess I'm living in the wrong area. Seriously these women are so sincere, so genuine, just so AWESOME!! I can't tell you how much I love these girls and how much I appreciate them! Seriously even though I don't know them that well it feels like we've known eachother for years. At the risk of sounding pathetic I have to say that I've never felt this kind of acceptance before. Apart from my mom and my now family here and maybe two girls back home I've never felt this before. Not that people don't accept me, but that I guess I haven't let myself feel it as much because of low self esteem and all that good stuff. I've never (with the exception of the afore mentioned two) had girlfriends that you can just share yourself with and be accepted for who you are and that "GET" crap in life ya know! I certainly don't wanna diminish the other two fabulous ladies frienship but being 1800 miles away does put a little damper on getting together. I think blogging forges a special bond between people. People seem to be more accepting in bloggy world then they are in the real world and that doesn't really make sense but maybe it's just because they're reading it and I think when you can''t respond face to face you can feel more empathy and sympathy and ofcourse on the other end there's the feeling more comfortable because you can hide behind your computer. :) Boy THAT was a run on! I kinda type like I talk and don't worry about punctuation. (not that I would even knoe how to use it correctly) but anyways I'm rambling. Don't know if that made sense or not but it does to me. :)
I just want these ladies to know how much they mean to me. :)