Thanks to Shell for her wonderful meme PHYO! I love reading about other people's hearts and lives. (and it gives me an outlet for all my whining :))
disclaimer: This post is really disjointed and depressing and is spur of the moment ranting and subject to change in the next hour
Dang I shouldn't feel like this? Last night I woke up and I felt weighed down. I've felt weighed down mentally many times before but I actually felt a little physically weighed down. My neck really hurt cause I had fallen asleep on my back with a hoodie underneath my neck so it was crooked. My joints are sore from pushing my kids on a walk yesterday (what the crap??) I used to push 100 lbs. in that stroller almost everyday and be fine? Maybe it's more, I don't know. Maybe I'm too hard on my knees, always wiping the floor.
But much more than physical I feel mentally weighed down. I'm not happy, not really. I've heard many people say happiness is a choice. Well sure I can put on the happy face for my kids and if I try really hard, my husband; but the feeling most of the time is not behind it. Well I just have to keep on doing it and lo and behold I will really feel it. I don't know if I buy it. I can be happy, there have been moments so why is it so hard to keep that going? Sometimes I feel like I'm just swimming and the days are passing me by. Boy am I a flake!! If I could just listen to myself. I know what I need to do, I'm good at self talk....but I can also be extremely stubborn.
I watch the Bachorlette (ya I know it's corny) but I don't think I can anymore. Last Bachelor I was kinda sad when it was over cause in a way I felt I was living vicariously through it. The only romance in my life. But the bachorlette seems like just a reminder of what I couldof had and don't. Oh how awful is that. I feel so awful just typing those words. Ya ya I know it's not real life or even close too.....I'll beat myself up later.