disclaimer: This post is really disjointed and depressing and is spur of the moment ranting and subject to change in the next hour
Dang I shouldn't feel like this? Last night I woke up and I felt weighed down. I've felt weighed down mentally many times before but I actually felt a little physically weighed down. My neck really hurt cause I had fallen asleep on my back with a hoodie underneath my neck so it was crooked. My joints are sore from pushing my kids on a walk yesterday (what the crap??) I used to push 100 lbs. in that stroller almost everyday and be fine? Maybe it's more, I don't know. Maybe I'm too hard on my knees, always wiping the floor.
But much more than physical I feel mentally weighed down. I'm not happy, not really. I've heard many people say happiness is a choice. Well sure I can put on the happy face for my kids and if I try really hard, my husband; but the feeling most of the time is not behind it. Well I just have to keep on doing it and lo and behold I will really feel it. I don't know if I buy it. I can be happy, there have been moments so why is it so hard to keep that going? Sometimes I feel like I'm just swimming and the days are passing me by. Boy am I a flake!! If I could just listen to myself. I know what I need to do, I'm good at self talk....but I can also be extremely stubborn.
I watch the Bachorlette (ya I know it's corny) but I don't think I can anymore. Last Bachelor I was kinda sad when it was over cause in a way I felt I was living vicariously through it. The only romance in my life. But the bachorlette seems like just a reminder of what I couldof had and don't. Oh how awful is that. I feel so awful just typing those words. Ya ya I know it's not real life or even close too.....I'll beat myself up later.
My heart hurts for you. Praying for you my friend.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me there have been days that I just do not know where they went! It has to be a funk girl..now that summer is here hopefully you will start to feel better!
ReplyDeleteOh I am so there with you... mentally weighed down is a great way to explain that... Support is yours from NY. Sometimes you just have to let the feelings ride out but it can be so, so hard. Wishing you the best that your funk ends and that you find the energy and the true happiness throughout the day you deserve
ReplyDeleteyou wer ein my thoughts so i came by to read this.. and send you some love..
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I hope that clouds part soon and the sun comes through. When I'm down, sometimes, I go for a drive, buy an inexpensive book, then stop to eat somewhere I've never been before. The change in routine can help distract me, at the very least. It might help if you get the chance to do something different with a day or two, maybe.
ReplyDeleteI think it's hard because one happy moment in a sea of not-happy moments never feels like enough. And it's scary in those moments because you know that your happiness may not last; I think it's hard to enjoy it when you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, I mean.
You're strong, though. It will get better. Just put one foot in front of the other and don't forget to take deep breaths.
I think we've all been there before, and will probably all be there again. It's that mama funk.
ReplyDeleteI hope the writing helps...I know it does for me. I'll say a prayer for you, and I'm sending hugs :)
I have had times when I have become miserable because I insisted on feeding my discontentment (Bachelor, fantasy vs reality) and then sit back saddened and shocked when it flourished and I floundered! Giving up the Bachelorette may be a good first step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteI think you already know I was unhappy for a very long time and have been writing a lot about this lately. The first really big step is admitting it to yourself - which you have done. The next big step is determining that you CAN and WILL do something about it - I think this is where you are at now, not quite believing in yourself that you can fight and win this battle. So if you want to talk more to someone who has walked in your shoes, I am all ears.
ReplyDeleteAw, hun, I hope you know that you are not alone. I know I feel like that, too...it's like a dark cloud is in my way and I can't get it to leave!
ReplyDeleteDo you have any hobbies or anything you could do that would make YOU happy? I know as a Mom we are always trying to make everyone else happy and are so worried about our family that we seem to lose ourselves. Even going to a coffee shop or something by yourself can do amazing things for the soul. Or you could go to a pool alone, lay out and get some sun & swim...just anything for YOU--because you honey? Totally deserve it.
xoxo
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteDefinitely understand feeling weighed down. I hope that you can find happiness again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up!
Deep breath in. Some days just suck......there will be good days ahead....exhale.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you.
Sorry you feel like that. You have to find the good in the things. I have had moments that seem like everything sucks. You will find your way out. I'm praying you find a little smile that is really happiness shining through.
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