Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Let go and Let God
I've always had trouble believing God loves me. I mean His children, yes, but me? Was I really included? Kinda ridiculous if you think about it. I mean ya sure He loves everyone on this earth but you….but I think it's something many people struggle with at times. So despite the miracles that have happened in my life (namely the one when I was younger which I talk about here) I have doubts. Intellectually…makes no sense but since when do I make sense?
My husband and I were certainly not soul mates when we met. I believe two people become soul mates through time and growing together. Do souls connect? Yes. But to truly be soul mates I believe takes much time (a process we are still going through) The past three years have certainly tested our marriage past the point that I think many could handle (looking back I don't even know how I handled it) There was no abuse, no infidelity, it had to do with a prescription drug problem and a psychosis that nearly broke apart our family. No not mine. I was too busy to notice at the time. What could I do? I had two kids to take care of. I had to push all my emotions deep down just to get by. The destruction caused by this is done but it's time for the cleanup and that's not easy. Not easy at all. All those buried emotions are coming out. In bitterness, In anger, In self disdain and ofcourse In sadness. I want things to get better. I know things can get better.
I guess this is where my point comes in. Did you know that in some countries they don't even have words for things like depression, stress and anxiety. That doesn't mean its not there but if there isn't even a word for it that says a lot. Well the other day I was reading my Psychology Book (yes I went back to college, yay me!) and the chapter was on stress. Nasty stuff! And anger. Not good….not good.
Ok la point. I'm SO blessed. There really is absolutely no reason to be unhappy, or stressed or angry. I can choose to whine that my situation is not like this or that or I can choose to make things better. It is MY choice. My husband is a good man, a loving and sensitive man, a good father, extremely loyal, and I know he loves me with all his heart. We have three beautiful angels who are healthy. Our home and family can be a heaven here.
I just need to let go and let God. For my babies. For my relationship. For Me.
(I've had this thought process and attitude before so many times and it just doesn't work out….but I think maybe just maybe it'll work this time…..It has to work this time)